Friday, December 30, 2005

Dry your eyes mate

in case you don't know...i went to U of O in Clarksville, Arkansas last year on an academic scholarship (yip i got it all paid, flights etc included), anyway Brett and I started dating the fourth day i was in i'm back home in Belfast, Northern Ireland about to start my final semester of uni. Brett graduated last December from Ozarks and is working fulltime at Dillards and may start a teaching program called PACT at LeTourneau University in Longview, TX in May...

ok this is the jazz....

Brett has got a fulltime job at Dillard's and he works super long shifts, as a consequence he is NEVER EVER EVER in when i call anymore. the time difference doesn't help. stupid me stays awake until 2/3am sometimes, just on the off chance that he would be there if i called him at that time (that's 9pm TX time). well even if i call at that time i get the answering machine or his Mom. anyway, his Mom is nice, but i really don't want to be wasting my calling card on talking to her instead of him. well i emailed Brett to ask what was up, and text messaged him so as he would know to check his emails...i basically asked him if he still wanted to go out with me....he emailed back saying...

"Please don't be mad at me. I am sorry that I am never home when you call. It's really hard to work around the time difference. They have me working all sorts of different hours at work and plus I have hardly even been home much in the past week with work and going out with friends...I also feel that I need a little space to because I've been pressured with a lot of things right now. I am not sure of the outcome of my future and where I will end up but I am sure trying to put my life together...I hope things are going alright with you"

of course i want him to go out with his friends etc, but when going out with your friends before and after work every day means that you make up the excuse that you are at work ALL the time, i don't play that one. yes he does work like ten hours every day but really...we used to talk every day and email most days (or vice versa) but he is just being an ass at the moment...even if i could guarantee getting to talk to him once a week now it would be ok.

i called him on Christmas morning all excited to wish him a merry Christmas and he was just heading to church, that was fair enough, i called him later and he was having his dinner, so he said he would call me back after it, so dumbass me sits in for a while on Christmas night waiting for his call.....quelle suprise no call! so i call him, he had fallen asleep (are you not supposed to be excited about talking to your gf...esp. on Christmas Day?), i got pissed off blah blah blah, and tell him that i'm going to hang up the phone because there is no point in talking to him when he is tired etc, plus he was going to the movies that night (Christmas night) to see King Kong with his Mom and stepDad so i told him to go to sleep so as he wouldn't fall asleep in the middle of it...he said, no, he would talk to me, i said ok, then after about an hour of me trying to let him understand how i was feeling his Mom called him because it was time to leave for the movies (it now turns out that he didn't even go to the movies).

the other day i called his house and i got his answering machine, i left a message saying something like, "hey Brett! i'm just trying to call you AGAIN but you are never ever in, maybe you'd like to contact me somehow or someway sometime" and hung up. he emailed me the email above and was all nice at the end,

"Anyways hope you have a great rest of the week.Take care and God Bless!! Love you and Miss you!!!

Your baby,


P.S. Sorry I'm never on-line anymore but when I get my new computer in around a month I should be on more."

no "i'll call you really soon", oh no, just "hope you have a great rest of week" like grrr!

i emailed back....

"ok i'm sorry that i get mad but i just do, i try to keep in contact with you but sometimes i feel like crap because nothing ever seems to work out. i'm stupid- i thought this love thing was about commitment and wanting to communicate with the other person- maybe i don't understand anything anymore, it's sure how it feels at the moment anyway.
does "I also feel that I need a little space" mean that you want "a break" from us? or what?

does "been pressured with a lot of things right now" mean that i am pressurising you?

i don't understand anything anymore, maybe i'm just pulling you down and i don't have a part in your life and i'm only starting to realise it, only God knows, cause i sure don't. maybe we aren't meant for each other and that's why i'm on a different continent, yet again only God knows, or maybe you know too but are just too scared to say.

it's all beyond me, btw this isn't a "mad" email, this is a "confused-and-i-wish-i-knew-what-you-were-thinking-about-us-and-how-you-feel-about-me" email

i'll leave you so as you have some "space", i won't call you and i'll leave making contact up to you now


i rewrote it a million times but i think i got the message though in the nicest possible way.

i emailed his Mom and happened to mention about how i never hear from Brett, i said,

"...i don't know what is happening with Brett and I at the moment, i just know that it is tough. he emailed me saying, "...I also feel that I need a little space to because I've been pressured with a lot of things right now" ...I don't know if that means he wants a "break" from "us", is putting it nicely that he wants to break up with me, or if he is just fed up with me complaining that he never contacts me anymore...I emailed him back so I'll see what he replies. i told him that i would leave being in contact up to him because obviously me calling him most days is too much for him, even though i'm his girlfriend. maybe i'm on a different continent because we aren't supposed to be together- God knows! ...

ok better go and try and concentrate on studying instead of thinking about me and B (that confuses me way too much)..."
she emailed back,

"The last few weeks have been tough on Brett. For one thing, he's not used to working 10 hr. shifts with only one 30 min. break to eat. He's been frustrated because he was trying to --work, go to the gym--he's even had to slack off on that, do his errands, etc. He finally had time to get a haircut thank goodness. Christmas day he just wanted to stay home and sleep instead of going to the movies with us.

He's also trying to meet his sales' goals, and a couple of days he was #2 in sales and was working overtime the week before Christmas, so he was proud of that. He's on probation for the first 3 mos. He wants to do well so he'll be kept on for full-time.

I talked to him yesterday for a while because I've been concerned that he didn't seem 'himself.' He's been irritable, which isn't like him. He just acts really tired and serious although I haven't seen much of him lately.

For one thing he hasn't gotten enough sleep. He's like me--when I don't get enough sleep I get irritable. He says he's learned to 'multi-task' but still has a ways to go. Obviously this job at Dillard's is a lot more demanding than Subway. He's also frustrated because the customers have slowed down since Christmas and he's not meeting his sales' goals, but how can he if he only has 3 customers? They also have him marking down lots of stuff. He's had some returns, so that counts against his sales totals.

And yes, he's frustrated because you're irritated at him for not calling you back or emailing you more often. All of this together has put a lot of pressure on him.

Today he has to work a split shift--essentially a 12 hr. day with 4 hrs. off in between. I don't know why they did that. Obviously he's not in much of a position to complain about it. I hope his sales pick up. They're at a disadvantage in the men's store because most of the action is in the women's side--people have to walk through different dept. to get where they're going unlike the men's, where all they have is stuff just for men.

I think you handled your response to his email in a positive way --maybe backing off a bit and letting him take the initiative is what you need to do for a while. You've had more time on your hands being out of school and not working full-time, so you've had more time to worry about your relationship and want to talk to him more. Guys DO need space--they don't like to feel pressured. It also doesn't help that I'm on his case all the time--about not taking care of his business like he should--the defensive driving--which he finally took care of.

Olivia, Brett cares for you very deeply and doesn't want to 'break up' with you. However, I will tell you one thing-- I'm no expert on men, but one thing I do know-- hearing women complain about ANYTHING is not appealing to men. (trust me--I've been married to two different men but they have that in common--complaining 'turns them off' and pushes them away).

Don't get discouraged and freak out if you don't hear from him every day. I just think he's going through a tough time right now and needs patience and understanding from you. Don't give up on him. It will all work out.

Have a happy new year! Brett has to work then too. I don't think we're doing anything on New Year's eve--Drennans aren't having a party. Everybody's kind of spread out this year.

We're finally going to see "King Kong" this afternoon. We're also been to the new Cheddar's and it lives up to its billing. Brett hasn't been there yet.

Alison YAM XX00XX00"

[YAD = Your American Mom]

WHY does she even bother to make up excuses for him, the gist of it is, Brett hasn't called me in weeks, i'm the one who makes all the effort yet "Brett cares for you very deeply and doesn't want to 'break up' with you" well boy, you sure have a strange way of showing it, obviously i am the bad person for trying to contact him every other day

i told Michelle that i think i might be better off without him

i hate the world today

Monday, December 26, 2005

Christmas Day was...

sleeping in my new Ozarks hoodie cus i was so cold, a sack full of gifts, Dad huffing because Mum didn't like her gifts from him, DKNY perfume, straightening my hair three times, Mass, child in front of me in Mass dropping her Barbie™ and Barbie™ horse a million times, my cousin Aidan being home from Windsor (London), my Auntie's house for snack food, me setting the table all beautifully, Christmas dinner, chatting to Michelle, missing Michelle, Vivien's house with Suzie for turkey sandwiches and a mince pie (annual tradition), Vivien trying to open her car doors even though they were frozen shut, chatting...crying...yelling...smiling...being all romantic with Brett (all in one phone conversation), discovering that i can text message the boy from my mob. but he can't text me back cus of his call restrictions (silly American phones), more sandwiches, MSN, reading, stressing and then falling asleep...

Wednesday, December 21, 2005

guess i'm off to England for a year, if i can find a university there who wants me!

well my interview was AWFUL, it couldn't have gone any worse...i researched and studied for it for weeks and i just froze when i got into the interview room. i think i do want to go away to England do the teaching (US English = grad. school for education) so maybe this is a blessing in disguise.

the interview questions were just very tough and i talked complete crap- i think the interview panel were stunned by how much crap i talked! those of you who know me well will know that i can waffle (US English= b.s.) my way through anything but even I, Queen Waffler, could not waffle through this one!

dad and i went shopping tonight to the shopping centre i work at, it was super full of people rushing out to buy last minute Christmas presents- thank goodness i'm not working again until Christmas Eve!

i have so much university work to do- like SO MUCH, but i just can't be bothered, i just want to sleep and wake up next July!

below are photos of the house i stayed at last midterm break- isn't it beautiful- it's my good friend Sarah Murphy's house in AR. she took the pics the other day


interview in four hours- i think i might puke

Monday, December 19, 2005

still together!

<---Thank you Nicola

Brett and I have now been dating for one year and four months (or sixteen months as Nicola said) today. We have only fought a handful of times...maybe less, and we can talk about anything- it's just great! I love him and he loves me so it's all brilliant!

It's also 200 days until I graduate which is great too! I finished uni last Friday, but I have coursework due on 6th January and an exam on 10th January- I am dead!

The new BEI students (the new Irish, ok well this years Irish) are home now so hopefully I will get to meet them...pity I couldn't just fly back over to AR. with them...

Dentist today, work tonight, uni all day 2mro, interview on Wednesday, Special Olympics on Thursday and pay day (aka "buying-all-my-Christmas-presents-in-one-day" day. Saturday is Christmas Eve and work 1-5 then the Four Winds (bar/restaurant) for some Christmas cheer, Christmas day is Sunday and then Boxing Day (the day after Christmas), 27th is 10-6 work etc.

I wish I had a super fast computer with all the programmes I need to use in uni. on a home computer- oh how I wish...

Thursday, December 15, 2005

just a boring day

i now have a 25 year old boyfriend who is super wonderful and who i miss super amounts. i can't WAIT to be with him

i am failing my degree as we speak

i should not have eaten white bread today because i know that it makes me super bloated

i wish my Mum didn't try to control my life so much

i wish i could get more sleep

i want to get into the PGCE but there's a 0000000.000001% chance of that happening

i miss Michy

i want my dorm room back please

Wednesday, December 14, 2005

another year older!



(Brett's twin brother)