Friday, December 30, 2005

Dry your eyes mate

in case you don't know...i went to U of O in Clarksville, Arkansas last year on an academic scholarship (yip i got it all paid, flights etc included), anyway Brett and I started dating the fourth day i was in i'm back home in Belfast, Northern Ireland about to start my final semester of uni. Brett graduated last December from Ozarks and is working fulltime at Dillards and may start a teaching program called PACT at LeTourneau University in Longview, TX in May...

ok this is the jazz....

Brett has got a fulltime job at Dillard's and he works super long shifts, as a consequence he is NEVER EVER EVER in when i call anymore. the time difference doesn't help. stupid me stays awake until 2/3am sometimes, just on the off chance that he would be there if i called him at that time (that's 9pm TX time). well even if i call at that time i get the answering machine or his Mom. anyway, his Mom is nice, but i really don't want to be wasting my calling card on talking to her instead of him. well i emailed Brett to ask what was up, and text messaged him so as he would know to check his emails...i basically asked him if he still wanted to go out with me....he emailed back saying...

"Please don't be mad at me. I am sorry that I am never home when you call. It's really hard to work around the time difference. They have me working all sorts of different hours at work and plus I have hardly even been home much in the past week with work and going out with friends...I also feel that I need a little space to because I've been pressured with a lot of things right now. I am not sure of the outcome of my future and where I will end up but I am sure trying to put my life together...I hope things are going alright with you"

of course i want him to go out with his friends etc, but when going out with your friends before and after work every day means that you make up the excuse that you are at work ALL the time, i don't play that one. yes he does work like ten hours every day but really...we used to talk every day and email most days (or vice versa) but he is just being an ass at the moment...even if i could guarantee getting to talk to him once a week now it would be ok.

i called him on Christmas morning all excited to wish him a merry Christmas and he was just heading to church, that was fair enough, i called him later and he was having his dinner, so he said he would call me back after it, so dumbass me sits in for a while on Christmas night waiting for his call.....quelle suprise no call! so i call him, he had fallen asleep (are you not supposed to be excited about talking to your gf...esp. on Christmas Day?), i got pissed off blah blah blah, and tell him that i'm going to hang up the phone because there is no point in talking to him when he is tired etc, plus he was going to the movies that night (Christmas night) to see King Kong with his Mom and stepDad so i told him to go to sleep so as he wouldn't fall asleep in the middle of it...he said, no, he would talk to me, i said ok, then after about an hour of me trying to let him understand how i was feeling his Mom called him because it was time to leave for the movies (it now turns out that he didn't even go to the movies).

the other day i called his house and i got his answering machine, i left a message saying something like, "hey Brett! i'm just trying to call you AGAIN but you are never ever in, maybe you'd like to contact me somehow or someway sometime" and hung up. he emailed me the email above and was all nice at the end,

"Anyways hope you have a great rest of the week.Take care and God Bless!! Love you and Miss you!!!

Your baby,


P.S. Sorry I'm never on-line anymore but when I get my new computer in around a month I should be on more."

no "i'll call you really soon", oh no, just "hope you have a great rest of week" like grrr!

i emailed back....

"ok i'm sorry that i get mad but i just do, i try to keep in contact with you but sometimes i feel like crap because nothing ever seems to work out. i'm stupid- i thought this love thing was about commitment and wanting to communicate with the other person- maybe i don't understand anything anymore, it's sure how it feels at the moment anyway.
does "I also feel that I need a little space" mean that you want "a break" from us? or what?

does "been pressured with a lot of things right now" mean that i am pressurising you?

i don't understand anything anymore, maybe i'm just pulling you down and i don't have a part in your life and i'm only starting to realise it, only God knows, cause i sure don't. maybe we aren't meant for each other and that's why i'm on a different continent, yet again only God knows, or maybe you know too but are just too scared to say.

it's all beyond me, btw this isn't a "mad" email, this is a "confused-and-i-wish-i-knew-what-you-were-thinking-about-us-and-how-you-feel-about-me" email

i'll leave you so as you have some "space", i won't call you and i'll leave making contact up to you now


i rewrote it a million times but i think i got the message though in the nicest possible way.

i emailed his Mom and happened to mention about how i never hear from Brett, i said,

"...i don't know what is happening with Brett and I at the moment, i just know that it is tough. he emailed me saying, "...I also feel that I need a little space to because I've been pressured with a lot of things right now" ...I don't know if that means he wants a "break" from "us", is putting it nicely that he wants to break up with me, or if he is just fed up with me complaining that he never contacts me anymore...I emailed him back so I'll see what he replies. i told him that i would leave being in contact up to him because obviously me calling him most days is too much for him, even though i'm his girlfriend. maybe i'm on a different continent because we aren't supposed to be together- God knows! ...

ok better go and try and concentrate on studying instead of thinking about me and B (that confuses me way too much)..."
she emailed back,

"The last few weeks have been tough on Brett. For one thing, he's not used to working 10 hr. shifts with only one 30 min. break to eat. He's been frustrated because he was trying to --work, go to the gym--he's even had to slack off on that, do his errands, etc. He finally had time to get a haircut thank goodness. Christmas day he just wanted to stay home and sleep instead of going to the movies with us.

He's also trying to meet his sales' goals, and a couple of days he was #2 in sales and was working overtime the week before Christmas, so he was proud of that. He's on probation for the first 3 mos. He wants to do well so he'll be kept on for full-time.

I talked to him yesterday for a while because I've been concerned that he didn't seem 'himself.' He's been irritable, which isn't like him. He just acts really tired and serious although I haven't seen much of him lately.

For one thing he hasn't gotten enough sleep. He's like me--when I don't get enough sleep I get irritable. He says he's learned to 'multi-task' but still has a ways to go. Obviously this job at Dillard's is a lot more demanding than Subway. He's also frustrated because the customers have slowed down since Christmas and he's not meeting his sales' goals, but how can he if he only has 3 customers? They also have him marking down lots of stuff. He's had some returns, so that counts against his sales totals.

And yes, he's frustrated because you're irritated at him for not calling you back or emailing you more often. All of this together has put a lot of pressure on him.

Today he has to work a split shift--essentially a 12 hr. day with 4 hrs. off in between. I don't know why they did that. Obviously he's not in much of a position to complain about it. I hope his sales pick up. They're at a disadvantage in the men's store because most of the action is in the women's side--people have to walk through different dept. to get where they're going unlike the men's, where all they have is stuff just for men.

I think you handled your response to his email in a positive way --maybe backing off a bit and letting him take the initiative is what you need to do for a while. You've had more time on your hands being out of school and not working full-time, so you've had more time to worry about your relationship and want to talk to him more. Guys DO need space--they don't like to feel pressured. It also doesn't help that I'm on his case all the time--about not taking care of his business like he should--the defensive driving--which he finally took care of.

Olivia, Brett cares for you very deeply and doesn't want to 'break up' with you. However, I will tell you one thing-- I'm no expert on men, but one thing I do know-- hearing women complain about ANYTHING is not appealing to men. (trust me--I've been married to two different men but they have that in common--complaining 'turns them off' and pushes them away).

Don't get discouraged and freak out if you don't hear from him every day. I just think he's going through a tough time right now and needs patience and understanding from you. Don't give up on him. It will all work out.

Have a happy new year! Brett has to work then too. I don't think we're doing anything on New Year's eve--Drennans aren't having a party. Everybody's kind of spread out this year.

We're finally going to see "King Kong" this afternoon. We're also been to the new Cheddar's and it lives up to its billing. Brett hasn't been there yet.

Alison YAM XX00XX00"

[YAD = Your American Mom]

WHY does she even bother to make up excuses for him, the gist of it is, Brett hasn't called me in weeks, i'm the one who makes all the effort yet "Brett cares for you very deeply and doesn't want to 'break up' with you" well boy, you sure have a strange way of showing it, obviously i am the bad person for trying to contact him every other day

i told Michelle that i think i might be better off without him

i hate the world today


Blogger Cavan said...

hey olivia... praying for you... hang in there God loves you n brett.

Thu Jan 12, 01:09:00 pm  

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